{Day 65: Tell everyone.}

As of late, my spirit has been craving a simpler time in life, at least my perception of things associated with a more carefree time in life. Then again, I can’t say I that I was ever the type to be totally carefree now that I think about it. It just wasn’t, nor has it ever been my personality.

I’m sure if I met my 17 year-old self, I’d still have a slew of concerns that all normal teens do that had me carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, things that might even seem pretty trivial to my now adult self in certain instances.

I envy those to some extent who can channel a completely carefree attitude. But luckily, I still do recall a more simpler time that brings a lighter, happier feeling.

I won’t go into the particulars of what’s sparked this craving, because as I’ve now had a full week to process everything, it’s not about the incident itself so much as the wider context and meaning of it. So, let’s just leave it at:

I had a “set back” happen last week and it was a blow to me on many levels because I just couldn’t get past the whole “why?” and “is the universe just out to get me?” mentality.

Even as I type that last sentence it sounds slightly ridiculous (okay, more than slightly), but if I were to be completely honest with you it’s where I was for DAYS after said “set back.”

Perhaps my not-so-mature initial reaction was due to the building tension from everything that seems to be going on lately, that this was simply the final straw that really set me off. I mean, I was PISSED, then just flat out disappointed. Suffice to say, I immediately called my boyfriend and had a meltdown on the phone with him as I shifted from pissed-om to disappointment, going into what all Oprah fans adoringly know as “the ugly cry.” (Kudos to him for enduring that, by the way.)

Admittedly, this was fueled by the internal dialogue that went on in my head where I kept making the argument to myself that I’m a good person! In other words, I always make a conscious effort to be a good, kind, responsible human being and therefore, felt so cheated that the universe wasn’t rewarding me for that by placing me in said “set back.” Again, I can now see how ridiculous this sounds. The funny thing is that logically you know this, even as it’s happening, but emotion seems to override logic at times – especially when that emotion is so raw and fresh.

As I’ve stood back and taken some time to process things since said “set back”, which while it absolutely STILL SUCKS in my mind, I have to express gratitude that it’s ultimately very minor in the grand scheme of this thing we call life. More specifically, the question “will this matter a year from now?” is the best way to measure how unimportant this truly is. I have much to be grateful for and I need to keep my head to the sky and a smile on my face.

And so, the Highlights of this week came as I found solace during this experience by saturating myself in the nostalgic, wanting to cling to anything that made me feel happy and comforted. Fortuitously, I found it in the most basic of ways. Watching movies from the late 80s and 90s that brought me to a different time, to my younger self made me feel exactly that. Digging out my old CD collection and rockin’ out in the car to music that took me back to my high school and college years for some reason pushed me through and helped give me the distance I needed to really evaluate the situation. (I won’t embarrass myself any further by disclosing what that music was made up of, but let’s just say boy bands were very popular during those years and I just sat and laughed and laughed at how that type of music was considered so “cool” back then.)

The best advice I got from my boyfriend during the middle of that “ugly cry” phone call was when he said something to the effect of : “There isn’t a reason for it. You’re not being punished. Shit happens and the lesson here is just to learn how to deal with it and not destroy yourself in the process.” (He’s a wise guy, that one.)

So, this is what I’m choosing to do.

And I still went strong on the 100 Happy Days Challenge, photos posted as usual.

I’ll end the week with my favorite Dr. Maya Angelou poem that couldn’t be more appropriate right now. In fact, I had this very poem posted on my dorm room wall during my sophomore year of college and would look at it often. I was saddened to hear of her passing a few days ago. What a life to be celebrated as the purest epitome of the type of woman and human being we should all aspire to be. I don’t imagine her ever feeling cheated by the universe during set backs in her life, but welcoming them to push her higher.

Have a great weekend….and keep rising.

Still I Rise

Maya Angelou, 1928 – 2014

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I’ll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
‘Cause I walk like I’ve got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I’ll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don’t you take it awful hard
‘Cause I laugh like I got gold mines
Diggin’ in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I’ve got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history’s shame
I rise
Up from a past that’s rooted in pain
I rise
I’m a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

{Day #63: Morning coffee and Jennie Garth’s memoir. Talk about returning to the nostalgic. I was a huge 90210 fan…mind you, I was also like 10.}

{Day 60: Faux bling on the key chain. Always looking for ways to accessorize.}

{Day 62: Breakfast in bed. }

{Day 64: I scream, you scream. We all scream for ice cream…sandwiches!}